remember when kevin smith was the master of dialogue?  pretty much everything about this movie is sub-par except for the script, but none of it matters.  it’s great because of the writing.  but sometime in the year 2000, it just stopped.  he ran out of ideas.  maybe it was the y2k bug.

• roof hockey is a brilliant idea.  it would really raise the stakes around the boards.
• i saw this on bluray in a store recently.  i can’t imagine the point of that.  it was shot on such cheap film, it’s full of noise on dvd.

this just didn’t speak to me.  i think you have to be divorced or unhappily married to really get this one.  there was an interesting exchange of ideas in the beginning, but it became a series of unproductive gripes and bickers.  maybe i’ll give it a second chance viewing in another 20 years and change my view. 

how, exactly, did boba fett become so popular?  as a kid, he was a bit of a brat who stood in the background as his father fought and eventually died.  as an adult, he hung around with jabba the hutt, followed the millennium falcon for a while, watched darth vader do all the dirty work in actually capturing han solo, delivered a big block of carbonite to jabba, hung out at jabba’s jazz lounge some more, then was accidentally knocked off a barge and eaten by a sarlacc.  i’m told he’s a badass bounty hunter, but “unremarkable errand boy” seems like a more accurate description. 

this is where the original trilogy really became that unique star wars universe that we know and love.  a new hope was little more than a standard (albeit very good) sci-fi movie, but the empire strikes back completely changed that.  we see yoda and darth vader use the force in a big way  for the first time.  we see luke and vader have the first legitimate lightsaber fight (i’m not counting obi-wan’s stall and surrender in a new hope).  we get one of the biggest dropped bombs in cinematic history with those four words, “i am your father.”

the first time i saw this, i disliked it tremendously, but it got put on my second chance list because a lot of people whose opinion i respect disagreed and because i generally like a lot of the people involved in it.  my opinion has warmed to a tepid temperature, but i’m still not a fan.

pairing a domineering character who flaunts his character flaws with a moralistic character who is too timid to do anything is always going to be annoying.  this can be overcome with the proper structure and a graceful sense of karma, but this movie doesn’t have anything resembling that.  there’s a constant sense of ham-fistedness to the script.

a prime example of this blunt writing is in miles’ analogy of himself to the pinot noir grape.  he gives his speech about the grape in good context, so as to not be an obvious setup, then we get to watch him exhibit the characteristics he described.  to seal the point, as his meltdown climaxes, he stumbles upon some pinot on the vine and just stops and thinks without saying anything.  this should be the end; it’s a nice point made with appropriate subtlety to allow us to get it or not.  then a few minutes later he makes the same speech again, with shaky context, to hammer it into our heads like we’re morons. 

i’ve already written about how the prequels have much better jedi, but the originals definitely have the upper hand when it comes to the sith.  darth sidious is in both camps, and basically the same creepy puppet master in both, so i won’t count him.  that leaves the prequels with darth maul (who showed great potential, but was sadly underutilized) and darth tyranus (not very memorable), while the originals have possibly the greatest cinematic villain of all time, darth vader.  it’s hard to imagine anyone topping him. 

a lesson for all the kids out there:  don’t let sitcom people make movies.  it won’t work.  there will be bright spots, sure, but not nearly as many as intended, which will just draw more attention to the lack of consistency or polish in the script and direction. 

addiction is an ugly thing.  watching an addict race to his rock bottom is even uglier.  the performances from the leads in this movie are anything but ugly.  the real shame is that this will forever be known as “that movie with michael fassbender’s penis.”  it deserves much better than that. 

most people regard this as the best of the prequels, but it’s not my favorite.  it’s too anakin-driven for me.  anakin is a good supporting character, but he can’t carry the lead as well as obi-wan.  it’s a little too abrasive.  it doesn’t help that hayden christensen isn’t quite up to the emotional load he’s tasked with carrying in this episode.  again, a problem that is solved by sliding him back into the supporting realm.  he handles frustration, infatuation, and angst well enough, but love and internal torment are a bit out of reach.  but this episode has less jar jar and more ‘splosions, which i hear is what people look for in a star wars movie these days.

• they just couldn’t wrap mace windu without giving samuel l. a shouting scene.
• can you imagine the smell when old man palpatine was sizzling from all the force lightning?  *shudder* 

you want depressing?  well, i’ve got a group of traveling salesmen using high-pressure sales techniques to push expensive bibles on people who clearly can’t afford them.  before you answer, how about if i throw in the oldest of the group being interminably preoccupied with worry over the fact that he can’t afford to retire and can’t seem to sell a single bible to save his life?  wait, you haven’t heard the best part yet.  they target catholic parents and make them feel guilty for not being able to afford the bible that their children would never actually read.  it’s the feel-bad hit of 1968!

• it took less than 5 minutes for someone to insist that you have to know the territory.